Braking to avoid breaking


My life has changed. What I wished for (health, “typical” living, control) is largely nonexistent. My new life is wonderful, but harder, more demanding, scarier. I forget this somehow. So God, in his infinite wisdom, reminds me from time to time although I’ve asked him not to. Yesterday was one of those reminders.  I had to brake hard at 4:00 p.m….

My lovely Natalie  fell asleep on the way to horse therapy.  Not altogether surprising since daylight savings time began just 4 days ago.  I gave her the usual 8 bolus feeds through her g-tube while we sat in the parking lot.  She awakened just as I finished.  Before we could open the car door that food came up and out, as though cucumber soup had spilled over.  “I’m sick!” she cried. Yup. Hard braking required.

Her despair at missing horse therapy lasted for over an hour. I had to help her grieve and just be with her in it until she could move on. (She is still grieving this morning, but is at least distractible.)

Then it was my turn. I had to grieve enough to go on. Enough to live in the present and celebrate.  What am I grieving?  The unpredictable fussiness of this life.  Everyone has that of course, but the illusion of control can be so comforting, can’t it?   And the wondering.  I wonder if this is a one day or 5 day sickness.  I wonder will it be a hospital or home sickness.

More hard braking required.  As I reminded a dear sister/friend whose husband lost his job, we cannot live in fear of what might happen.  Fear devours life.

I found a brief video of our older daughter’s new puppy with all of us laughing.  I’m playing that to remember there is an upside to this life.

Have a great day!  It is the only one we have right now!

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